Silence

Is silence really golden?

 

I haven't worked in my journal since Nov. 16 of last year.  There was a gap in my blog beginning around that same time.  I didn't know what to say.  Things were happening all around me.  There were definitely things to share but I couldn't get motivated to write about them.  I was mourning in silence.

I lost a friend.  Someone who I'd never talk to, write to or ever see again for the rest of my life.  Her last words to me were something like "Have a great time celebrating Raymond's birthday tomorrow and tell him happy birthday for me."  Sometime between the hours we were celebrating my son's birthday and possibly up into the following morning she died.  Just like that.

When a mutual friend told me that he was surprised that I didn't cry or show great sadness at her memorial service I wasn't sure how to take his comment.  I could only explain to him that she and I had spent an unusual amount of time together the last week of her life and I could only guess I found comfort in knowing that.  I had told her of my new artventures that were to take place at school, she treated me out to an early birthday lunch (instead of the following week on my birthday), we spent time shopping, eating and talking all weekend.
I wish I had saved some of the silly messages she'd leave on my answering machine at the job just to hear her voice again but due to bouts of foul language I had to immediately delete them!  HA!  Not cool in a school setting!
The initial sadness has lifted and now I know what the true meaning of "her memory will live on" means because that's what I've been left with.  But there's still that void that will be around forever.